Today in Future News

June 1, 2009
"WJ recalls how he wrote a blog titled 'Today in Future News' that claimed 6 months after his initial quit date of January 1 2009 he still hadn't smoked a single cigarette, but destroyed the validity of that future news by writing a shitty blog about not smoking a single cigarette for 6 months after his initial quit date of January 1 2009 and then immediately going to the gas station and smoking 90 cigarettes in a row."

Enjoy your loophole. Give it a couple reads, I sure had to.

Capitasocialism

I'm sure there are better terms out there.

But this is what it is, and what it will be for the next while.

Heart y'all.

Fuck you

what do you say when a Jew forgives you?

thanks? state totally killled u of M?

thankfully, i know. because a fantastic jew is standing next to me. and he says 'you're forgiven'. seems like the appropriate response doesn't it, coming from religious fanaticism after all.

Bra Tricks

It's a split second, a moment of clarity that snaps you into a focused adrenaline rush of concentration, enabling you to fully realize and comprehend that you are about to google "bra tricks" instead of "bar tricks" on your work laptop.  What consequences would there be if I'd pulled up a slew of porn on this computer?  I don't know.  and I don't want to.  This is oil and gas my friends.  This is high stakes shit.  This is where men (and occasionally women) are defined, and trample on the decidedly boyish (and occasionally girlish). 

 

Or maybe my boss would just laugh and scratch his junk.  Hard to tell.

Bagdrammar

Am I alone in immediately discrediting a print/web news source as soon as I disover a mispelling? Do folks really trust there daily reports from other folks who don't care enough to spell good and take care of there grammer?  come on now, y'aLl.

The Curious Case of Child Actors

Please, please dear Hollywood... do not subject me to child actor speaking roles in the last 15 minutes of a 2 and a 1/2 hour movie.  Listening to a child actor try to talk old?  Really?  Have you heard/seen child actors?  They can hardly play children. 

Eating a Healthy Joint

Instead of once again clogging my arteries for dinner, tonight I grabbed some salmon from Albert Hein.  I decided at the last minute to add an ingredient to the line up... some of Amsterdam's finest (aka cheapest) sprinkled right on top of the olive oil covered fish.  I'll have to test this again (maybe unsuspectingly on my roommate) just to make sure there's no placebo charade going on, but I do believe I've got a nice little buzz.  And suddenly the world of cooking with marijuana seems AWESOME...

69 Calle de Orense, Madrid, Spain

This address is not remarkable because it's where I recently stayed for 70 euros/night (nightmares... separate story). This address is not remarkable because it reminds us of that giggly sex position we all watch on pornoxtubepussycock.com but rarely perform ourselves. This address is not remarkable because it is spanish and I speak english.

This address is remarkable because the address DIRECTLY ACROSS THE STREET FROM IT is 43 Calle de Orense, Madrid, Spain. And where was I when I was searching for my hotel? On this other side of the street. Thinking I needed to go down a couple more blocks because obviously 43 is way less than 69. Either my dumb American logic is faulty, or Spain has not yet determined that it makes sense to have addresses on BOTH sides of the street correspond to each other. Fuck me.

I live and work with Michael Scott

For example,

We walk by a gift shop titled "The Amster Dammer" - I say "What a stupid name for a gift shop."  He says "Huh, the Meister Dammer??"  I guess the non-traditional "A" really threw him off, because instead of normal letters it was made up of two of Amsterdam xxx posts leaning into each other.  And yeah they are a bit penile-ese.

Not too much later, I ask if he thinks Steve Correll is funny.  He says "Well yes and no...."  Then a few seconds later "...I think he's stupid."  I'm confused which part of that answer leaned toward 'yes'.  

More posts to come for sure on this subject... not a day goes by without fresh examples.

SEE!  As I was writing this, another great one came up.  Michael Scott is now convinced that this guy he found on facebook is black, because all of the guy's friends on facebook are black.  To be honest the guy looks like he might be Latin American.  But, since he might be a lighter black person, Michael thinks he may in fact be "Milano".  (I think that's the wrong term... not that it's really a 'right' term anyway).

My next project is to figure out who the rest of my office colleagues are on the office.  I want to call my boss Phyllis, but that's more for fun than accuracy.  

That's Quite a "Coffee Break"

In an undisclosed city and country (Houston, TX), I happened upon a tiny bottle of moisturizer snuggly fit under the toilet paper roll in the men's stall while taking care of less-obscene business.  Do you suppose that guy (or girl) had a sad moment later in the day, when realizing they'd misplaced their secret fun sauce?  No worries comrade, you're self-pleasure love lotion is still right where you left it.  I didn't want to ruin your good times by tossing it out, and I also didn't want to risk losing my hand to whatever hideous diseases your gross self walks about with.    

Where NKOTB and PM meet

The pmbok 4th edition was recently released, and I've spent some time this morning researching the differences between that and the 3rd edition.  The Austin PMI group released this PDF, which details some of those differences.  Being obsessed with order (I only judge others on this criterion though, never myself), my eyes immediately jumped to the numbered bullets on the right side.  Number 1: All process names are in a verb-noun format.  Upon reading that, my thought process went something like:

 

"verb-noun, verb-noun, verb-noun".... "hmmm..."..."hangin'-tough."

 

why did my brain immediately leap to a nkotb reference?? and even then a verb-adverb reference??  i'm ashamed for both getting the grammar wrong and failing to realize I have some deep seeded attachment to 80's boy bands.  And you thought project management was boring. 

Like a sailor

Translation is a daily challenge in my Netherlandian life.  Fun quirks help laugh me off the lack of englishese though, such as this website which is written in Dutch.  But wait, there's a flag in the upper right corner.  Usually websites have this feature to allow users to quickly identify their home country's flag, click it, and load the page in their home country's language.  However, the ad wizards behind cheaptronics firmly concluded that only a Dutch flag is necessary- which, as you can guess, reloads the page in Dutch.  Because cheaptronics.nl/N_frame.fuckfaces.html understands how I love to make web pages re-load without getting any additional value out of it.  I hope they're hiring.  I could use a couple years of on-site fucking moron training.

First to know

I'd like to tell you that I just discovered most planes don't have a 13th row.

I'd like to, but I won't, because you'll coolly say "Oh you didn't know that? Yeah it's just like how buildings don't have a 13th floor. Oh and most airports don't have a gate 13."

Thanks jackasses, I'll keep my amazement to a subtlely muttered "eep! that's crazy!" and if you ask what I muttered I'll say "nothing go to hell."

I'll never stop trying to fix jet lag

Hammered?  Why not stay up til 4.  Sober?  What the fuck am I doing up at 1:19 in the morning.

Which brings me to a potential solution...